Confessions of a Bit Ho
Book -- attractive coffee table edition. 117 pages, with 30 pages of vivid photographs.
"Yo, bitch! Where my muthafuckin bits at?" It was my Bit Pimp calling. I didn't want to pull another shameless gag, but it was either get a cheap laugh quick ... or die. Desperately, I searched the stage for something I could break, trip over, or stuff in my pants. Then I remembered: my scene partner was just about to say something surprising! I took a big gulp of my "tea" ... but I didn't swallow.
This is my story.
$35.00
Book -- attractive coffee table edition. 117 pages, with 30 pages of vivid photographs.
"Yo, bitch! Where my muthafuckin bits at?" It was my Bit Pimp calling. I didn't want to pull another shameless gag, but it was either get a cheap laugh quick ... or die. Desperately, I searched the stage for something I could break, trip over, or stuff in my pants. Then I remembered: my scene partner was just about to say something surprising! I took a big gulp of my "tea" ... but I didn't swallow.
This is my story.
$35.00
1001 Qualities: Conquer any Character!
7 DVD set: 35 hours of expert instructional video plus Positive Reinforcement CD and 250-page glossary of terms, exercises, and appendices.
So the director wants to know whether you can "play crazy." But who has the time and resources to visit a nuthouse? Besides, those places are creepy! Time is ticking, and you need this part, because if you have to do another lunch service for those asshole bankers on the 31st floor, you will go postal. "Wait a minute," you think, "I can draw on my own personal experience to connect with this character." STOP! You are about to make one of the classic "actor" mistakes. Only this mistake is responsible for more lost roles, more frustration and heartache, more crushing student loan debt than any other an actor can make. Once you've completed 1001 Qualities, YOU WILL NEVER MAKE THIS MISTAKE AGAIN.
1001 Qualities is different than all the other "acting" programs, because it's the only program that for the first time ever BLOWS THE COVER OFF INDUSTRY SECRETS THAT STARS, STUDIOS, AND TEACHERS HAVE BEEN TAKING ADVANTAGE OF FOR DECADES!
Did you know that there are actually two acting industries, one for training and one for working, and more often than not, THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ONE ANOTHER! But that doesn't matter anymore, because even if you've been hoodwinked into pursuing years of fruitless training only to realize that you can be a coffee mug like nobody's business for 4 hours straight but you can't book a callback, NOW, with 1001 Qualities, you can learn THE SECRETS OF THE STARS!
1001 Qualities will teach you:
Training is for assholes: most acting is just simple tricks
How to super-charge your career by copying famous actors
Why what car you drive is more important than which acting books you have on your nightstand
Did you know that Lou Ferrigno convinced America he was a monster using nothing more than a wig, a fake nose, and some green body paint? In Disc 2: Makeup and Props -- You're 90% of the Way There! you'll learn all about this amazing success story and everything you'll ever need to know about creating a character -- WITHOUT ANY "ACTING" WHATSOEVER!
And what about the role of physical fitness in acting? For the answer, check out Appendix GG: Pecs vs. Chops: The Curious Case of Gerard Butler's Career.
Did you know that tortured + brilliant = Hamlet? (supposedly "the greatest role in Western literature," GIMME A BREAK!) Actually, you probably already know that, and you're thinking, "C'mon, Ash, everybody knows that! Where are these SECRETS you keep telling me about?" Well I wouldn't be much of a businessman if I just GAVE my secrets away, but just so you know this program is on the up-and-up, I'll give you this one FOR FREE!
Sure, every punter out there knows that tortured + brilliant = Hamlet, but 1001 Qualities is the program that GUARANTEES to take your acting knowledge that next crucial step that will launch you into the STRATOSPHERE OF ACTING SUCCESS!
What most actors don't know is that tortured + brilliant + sexy = ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATION! You're welcome. Now stop being such a SISSY and buy this program already! Speaking of which ...
1001 Qualities will also teach you:
The INSANELY easy trick to nail any gay character -- IN LESS THAN 5 MINUTES!
Seeming ethnic -- it's easier than you think!
How to DOUBLE your character depth by faking a life-threatening illness (actually the program will teach you how to QUADRUPLE it ... but only if you buy now!)
So what are you waiting for? Acting success is just a click away! As the great Robert McKee said, "courage is all that life asks of us, nothing more." You got enough courage to click a link, dontcha?
$299.00
7 DVD set: 35 hours of expert instructional video plus Positive Reinforcement CD and 250-page glossary of terms, exercises, and appendices.
So the director wants to know whether you can "play crazy." But who has the time and resources to visit a nuthouse? Besides, those places are creepy! Time is ticking, and you need this part, because if you have to do another lunch service for those asshole bankers on the 31st floor, you will go postal. "Wait a minute," you think, "I can draw on my own personal experience to connect with this character." STOP! You are about to make one of the classic "actor" mistakes. Only this mistake is responsible for more lost roles, more frustration and heartache, more crushing student loan debt than any other an actor can make. Once you've completed 1001 Qualities, YOU WILL NEVER MAKE THIS MISTAKE AGAIN.
1001 Qualities is different than all the other "acting" programs, because it's the only program that for the first time ever BLOWS THE COVER OFF INDUSTRY SECRETS THAT STARS, STUDIOS, AND TEACHERS HAVE BEEN TAKING ADVANTAGE OF FOR DECADES!
Did you know that there are actually two acting industries, one for training and one for working, and more often than not, THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ONE ANOTHER! But that doesn't matter anymore, because even if you've been hoodwinked into pursuing years of fruitless training only to realize that you can be a coffee mug like nobody's business for 4 hours straight but you can't book a callback, NOW, with 1001 Qualities, you can learn THE SECRETS OF THE STARS!
1001 Qualities will teach you:
Training is for assholes: most acting is just simple tricks
How to super-charge your career by copying famous actors
Why what car you drive is more important than which acting books you have on your nightstand
Did you know that Lou Ferrigno convinced America he was a monster using nothing more than a wig, a fake nose, and some green body paint? In Disc 2: Makeup and Props -- You're 90% of the Way There! you'll learn all about this amazing success story and everything you'll ever need to know about creating a character -- WITHOUT ANY "ACTING" WHATSOEVER!
And what about the role of physical fitness in acting? For the answer, check out Appendix GG: Pecs vs. Chops: The Curious Case of Gerard Butler's Career.
Did you know that tortured + brilliant = Hamlet? (supposedly "the greatest role in Western literature," GIMME A BREAK!) Actually, you probably already know that, and you're thinking, "C'mon, Ash, everybody knows that! Where are these SECRETS you keep telling me about?" Well I wouldn't be much of a businessman if I just GAVE my secrets away, but just so you know this program is on the up-and-up, I'll give you this one FOR FREE!
Sure, every punter out there knows that tortured + brilliant = Hamlet, but 1001 Qualities is the program that GUARANTEES to take your acting knowledge that next crucial step that will launch you into the STRATOSPHERE OF ACTING SUCCESS!
What most actors don't know is that tortured + brilliant + sexy = ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATION! You're welcome. Now stop being such a SISSY and buy this program already! Speaking of which ...
1001 Qualities will also teach you:
The INSANELY easy trick to nail any gay character -- IN LESS THAN 5 MINUTES!
Seeming ethnic -- it's easier than you think!
How to DOUBLE your character depth by faking a life-threatening illness (actually the program will teach you how to QUADRUPLE it ... but only if you buy now!)
So what are you waiting for? Acting success is just a click away! As the great Robert McKee said, "courage is all that life asks of us, nothing more." You got enough courage to click a link, dontcha?
$299.00
Winning Scenes: How to Crush Your Partner and Get All the Applause ... EVERY TIME!
Book -- 285 rock hard pages
You ever act the living fuck out of a play, I mean just tear the asshole out of it and leave it begging for more, only to walk out for the curtain call and your applause gets bitch-slapped by the leading lady with the giant cans? Two words: NEVER AGAIN, MY FRIEND!
$29.95
Book -- 285 rock hard pages
You ever act the living fuck out of a play, I mean just tear the asshole out of it and leave it begging for more, only to walk out for the curtain call and your applause gets bitch-slapped by the leading lady with the giant cans? Two words: NEVER AGAIN, MY FRIEND!
$29.95
Enlargement: My Journey, Your Triumph
Book -- 1,205 pages
The last book you will ever need to read ... ON ANY SUBJECT! Because who gives a fuck what the Hell else you do with your life when you've got a 10-inch cock?
$45.00
Book -- 1,205 pages
The last book you will ever need to read ... ON ANY SUBJECT! Because who gives a fuck what the Hell else you do with your life when you've got a 10-inch cock?
$45.00
Ireland: It's Not Grand
Twenty-seven Ogham Tablets weighing 200-450 pounds each
Though some experts claim this work to be nothing more than a collection of ancient Camogee scoreboards; and others, while agreeing on the unity and subject of the piece, hesitate to speculate on its specific content due to the fact that 80% of the text's vowels cannot be distinguished; still others refuse to discuss Ogham artifacts at all until the Irish academic community agrees unanimously to replace "CE" with "BCE," and then add a zero to the attributed dates of Ogham's flourishing, feeling this would greatly improve Ireland's reputation; nevertheless neophyte archaeologist and cultural historian Ashley Strand here attempts a bold interpretation of these tablets, which he claims comprise a unified, comprehensive, and stunningly prescient account of Irish culture through the ages from the point of view of an anonymous historian of the era of Ireland's Christianisation. According to Strand, his complete ignorance of Gaelic "freed [him] from preconceptions," while using the same materials and techniques as the original authors "connected [him] to them through the sacred communion of shared tactile experience, producing a visceral authenticity that trumps any traditional academic technique, and making it much easier to get a grant from the Arts Council, since they're nutty for nostalgic arts-and-crafty shit."
NO CHARGE IF YOU CAN HAUL 'EM AWAY
Twenty-seven Ogham Tablets weighing 200-450 pounds each
Though some experts claim this work to be nothing more than a collection of ancient Camogee scoreboards; and others, while agreeing on the unity and subject of the piece, hesitate to speculate on its specific content due to the fact that 80% of the text's vowels cannot be distinguished; still others refuse to discuss Ogham artifacts at all until the Irish academic community agrees unanimously to replace "CE" with "BCE," and then add a zero to the attributed dates of Ogham's flourishing, feeling this would greatly improve Ireland's reputation; nevertheless neophyte archaeologist and cultural historian Ashley Strand here attempts a bold interpretation of these tablets, which he claims comprise a unified, comprehensive, and stunningly prescient account of Irish culture through the ages from the point of view of an anonymous historian of the era of Ireland's Christianisation. According to Strand, his complete ignorance of Gaelic "freed [him] from preconceptions," while using the same materials and techniques as the original authors "connected [him] to them through the sacred communion of shared tactile experience, producing a visceral authenticity that trumps any traditional academic technique, and making it much easier to get a grant from the Arts Council, since they're nutty for nostalgic arts-and-crafty shit."
NO CHARGE IF YOU CAN HAUL 'EM AWAY
Queer for Cornell: My Dark Journey into Obsession
Book -- 187 pages
Four Walled World. I was singing it in the echoes of an undiscovered subway pedestrian tunnel, the on you've been looking for, the key to every public transport short-cut in NYC. I sounded great, I could have stayed down there forever. I went in at City Hall and wandered until I emerged in Central Park. As I came up the steps, I heard someone else singing FWW, too, and we were perfectly in sync. Amazed, I emerged to discover Audioslave had thrown a free concert in the park -- the rest of the band had finally agreed to just stay in the background and let Chris do his thing. For the people. The way it should be. They were playing a small ampitheatre on the other side of river from where I was. The stands were sparsely occupied, fucking Audioslave playing for 35 blase New Yorkers ... anyone can be ignored in this fuckin' city. But Chris didn't care, he was bringing it, of course. He wasn't just playing to the ampitheatre -- the back of the stage was on the opposite river bank, and Chris was brilliantly choosing to play it like a concert in the round. A bunch of guys were hanging out by a tree with looks of elation and dejection mixed on their faces. I knew they were the guys who'd tried to sing along, but couldn't match up to Chris' awesome range and vocal power. I would be different. I was singing at the top of my lungs, willing Chris to look at me. I charged past the other singers into the shallow water at the edge of the bank. As we reached the climax of the song we locked eyes, and I pushed my voice extra hard, trying to really blast those impossible notes. My voice cracked. Chris turned away, and I knew I had failed. As I climbed back up the bank, a couple of the other guys consoled me. I was crushed, but then I thought, "wait a minute! I'm at a free Cornell concert -- I've been waiting to see him for years!" There was a stone dock to my right, with stone stairs leading down to it. A completely unobstructed view -- a front-row seat! I skipped the stairs and jumped right off the bank, floating down to the dock. I sat cross-legged with my chin in my palms, watching my hero.
I woke up and thought, "that was the gayest dream ever!" I reached frantically for my ipod, longing for "Show Me How to Live ..."
$24.95
Book -- 187 pages
Four Walled World. I was singing it in the echoes of an undiscovered subway pedestrian tunnel, the on you've been looking for, the key to every public transport short-cut in NYC. I sounded great, I could have stayed down there forever. I went in at City Hall and wandered until I emerged in Central Park. As I came up the steps, I heard someone else singing FWW, too, and we were perfectly in sync. Amazed, I emerged to discover Audioslave had thrown a free concert in the park -- the rest of the band had finally agreed to just stay in the background and let Chris do his thing. For the people. The way it should be. They were playing a small ampitheatre on the other side of river from where I was. The stands were sparsely occupied, fucking Audioslave playing for 35 blase New Yorkers ... anyone can be ignored in this fuckin' city. But Chris didn't care, he was bringing it, of course. He wasn't just playing to the ampitheatre -- the back of the stage was on the opposite river bank, and Chris was brilliantly choosing to play it like a concert in the round. A bunch of guys were hanging out by a tree with looks of elation and dejection mixed on their faces. I knew they were the guys who'd tried to sing along, but couldn't match up to Chris' awesome range and vocal power. I would be different. I was singing at the top of my lungs, willing Chris to look at me. I charged past the other singers into the shallow water at the edge of the bank. As we reached the climax of the song we locked eyes, and I pushed my voice extra hard, trying to really blast those impossible notes. My voice cracked. Chris turned away, and I knew I had failed. As I climbed back up the bank, a couple of the other guys consoled me. I was crushed, but then I thought, "wait a minute! I'm at a free Cornell concert -- I've been waiting to see him for years!" There was a stone dock to my right, with stone stairs leading down to it. A completely unobstructed view -- a front-row seat! I skipped the stairs and jumped right off the bank, floating down to the dock. I sat cross-legged with my chin in my palms, watching my hero.
I woke up and thought, "that was the gayest dream ever!" I reached frantically for my ipod, longing for "Show Me How to Live ..."
$24.95
Queer for Cornell: The Ultimate T-Shirt for the Ultimate Fan
Bitchin' T-shirt
$17.50
Bitchin' T-shirt
$17.50
Queer for Cornell Mousepad
Mousepad of the Gods
$13.95
Mousepad of the Gods
$13.95
Queer for Cornell Mug
Celebrity worship mug
$8.95
Celebrity worship mug
$8.95