Herald Scotland Story Full Text

Hi Ashley,

Ken Smith who writes the daily Diary column in the Herald newspaper and website. The short stories in the Diary tend towards the humorous, so if there was a funny story from the show, perhaps from rehearsals, audience reaction, previous trips to Edinburgh or whatever then please drop me a line at any time and hopefully I can use the story in order to give the show a mention in the column. And have a good time in Edinburgh!

Thanks, Ken.



Hi Ken,

Thanks for the offer!

This is what I came up with, lemme know if it works.


Despite the Hollywood stereotype of the gun-toting, muscle-bound, well-oiled vigilante blythely driving his souped-up sports car through fireballs without so much as batting a singed eyelash, Americans, for the most part, are a soft, pampered, and wimpy people.  My visit to Edinburgh during last year's Fringe illustrated just how delicate we Americans have become.

My third day in Edinburgh, I witnessed two double-decker coaches collide at the intersection of Bridge and High Street.  Middle of the day, busiest intersection in town.  The first -- the very first! --  thing I heard after impact was a Scot shout, "WAAAAAY, YA DAFT @#$&!" -- as though he had just seen the greatest goal in World Cup history.  General cheering followed.  In America, there are usually some intermediate stages between catastrophe and celebration (for example, finding out if anyone's hurt).  Not in Scotland, where the berserker blood of Norse ancestors still courses through native veins.  I knew Edinburgh was a tough town when I witnessed a fight breaking out over whether someone was going to call an ambulance for the loser of the previous fight.  Apparently the winner was concerned the loser, lying unconscious in the middle of traffic, wouldn't fully learn his lesson if he received medical attention.  Principle still matters in Scotland.

The second wave of reaction came from the English, whose first response to everything is always judgement: "Oh you stupid #$^%-ing @^#%!"  There is no more liquid "u" than the liquid "u" in the British "stupid" -- regardless of the particular dialect of the speaker, whether it's preceded by a sloppy Cockney "sht-" or a precise RP "st-".  The liquid "u" is the one phoneme in British English that knows no class, it rises above regionalism, as every group recognizes and embraces the sound as the perfect vehicle for derision.  Even the Irish have learned to use it, which is something, at least.

Finally the Americans snapped out of their shock and progressed to active panic.  Most of them sat down abruptly (which counts as "active" in the US) many of them on the rolling suitcases which they seem to need to take absolutely everywhere with them.  Jesus was invoked so wantonly that I feared for the redemption of everyone present.  I heard someone shout, "Get me my inhaler!" which seemed to act as a kind of neurasthenic call to arms, whereupon from out of the many zippered compartments on all the suitcases issued the most stupendous array of palliatives, in the form of prescription bottles, vitamin baggies, calendula-and-chamomille-infused "calming creams," portable aromatherapy spray bottles, and various MP3 players laden with "environmental" and "mood" music, along with the collected works of the world's pan flute masters.  Calls were placed to sponsors, texts to life coaches and spiritual advisors, gurus were poked, and therapists were tweeted (yes, "Thera-tweeting," is now a thing in America!  To learn how you can get involved, check out my site: www.paymenowthankmelater.com).  Someone burned incense, a Tibetan prayer bell was rung, and once each one had slipped into a Snuggy and ordered a non-caffeinated version of a drink that is drunk primarily for it's caffeine, the Americans finally relaxed.

Ah, cultural exchange!  Just how the alchemy of comedy transforms mutual contempt into learning remains mysterious, but it's fun as Hell, and I can't wait to do it again this year.  If you can't wait to see me perform, here's link to a few of my stories:

www.ashleystrand.com/humor.html
www.ashleystrand.com/belgium.html
www.ashleystrand.com/gay.html